


Memory

by lanadelraysin



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: M/M, enjoy, i dont know what this is, i just started typing and didnt really edit, its based off a song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-23
Updated: 2016-04-23
Packaged: 2018-06-04 02:33:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6637696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lanadelraysin/pseuds/lanadelraysin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua's inner dialogue after breaking up with Gon.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memory

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written a fic in like three years and it shows. I had fun with this, though! It's loosely inspired by a song by The Cardboard Swords called Flannel. You can see lyrics here and there if you've heard it before. Anyways, enjoy and feel free to leave feedback!

Do you remember the last time we held hands, Gon?  
  
What about the last time we kissed?  
  
Do you remember the last time you heard my voice?  
  
I can describe all three you, in detail so vivid it’ll almost be like we’re in that moment again. I couldn’t forget if I tried and, well, I’ve tried. I remember how you gripped my hand tightly and pulled me along as we walked, squeezing the second before you let go only to push your hands into your pockets. You focused your eyes on any leaf that fell to the ground, like you were trying to avoid looking me in the eyes because looking at them would make it too hard for you to leave. I remember how you leaned across the table to kiss me so softly and after pulling away, forced yourself to smile. The corners of your lips were quivering, like you were about to cry because you knew that would be the last. You wouldn’t look me in the eye then, either.  
  
The last time I heard your voice, we were three hundred miles apart. I think about it so much that I sometimes wonder if it’ll be one of those memories that flashes before my eyes when I finally die. It comes up on the days that I think I’m finally moving on and doing better. It’s like your love turned into one of Illumi’s needle’s except it’s in my heart and nothing in the world has the ability to remove it.  
  
I hated being away from you. Conversation went from plans to travel the world together to arguments about who was guilty for leaving the other alone. In our last fight you told me that I should get a clue, and I’m still certain you were trying to make yourself decide what you wanted on the spot rather than yelling at me. You didn’t figure it out right away, but you figured out what to do.  
  
I’m told that this is a normal thing. You fall in love, you make plans, you fight, you break up, and then you never speak again. I’d never been in love before you and I don’t know if I will be after you. My heart and my emotions have always been in your hands, and you’ve played with them at your leisure lately. It was such a beautiful thing at first, to have someone love you as much as you loved them. Now, I think it might be the cruelest form of assassination.  
  
You were the best. Always by my side, always observant. You kept up with me or ahead of me. You kept me level headed. You kept me grounded. You kept me here. You accepted me without question. You loved me.  
  
But you left. One day you stopped being all those things. All the love you felt for me disappeared day by day. You stopped caring.  
  
Maybe Illumi was right. Maybe I’m cursed.  
  
I feel like I am, knowing I will never have you by my side.  
  
I hate remembering how you looked in the shirts you always took from my closet. I hate remembering how they smelled like you if you finally decided to give them back and how they looked better on you than they ever had on me. There was no way I could put them on after that. I don’t think I could bear to see you if I came to get them back. I apologize if, from time to time, they make you think of me.  
  
Do you remember all the times we went swimming on Whale Island? You showed me so much there, but my favorite thing by far was going swimming. Your favorite spot was a small pond in a forest clearing and the first time you showed me the water, you shoved me in fully clothed, only to be dragged in yourself. We were soaking wet and it was so cold that night that I made you put on my jacket like it would keep you from getting a cold. You still have that, too. If you ever want to know what it’s like to be me, picture that jacket every time you try to breathe.  
  
I got to know Whale Island better than some of the natives. You once told me it was like the back of my hand, and now I can’t help but scratch there like it’s something I can rip off. I imagine that if I ripped off all the skin you ever touched I can forget you, but I always forget that you touched more than just skin. The thing is, I don’t need Whale Island for anything except the port and the Master of the Swamp you challenged me to catch once, so I’ll stop skating around town like it’s where I grew up and pretending that your family was mine at one point, too. I’ll find a way to deal. Maybe send a text to make sure you haven’t done something to get yourself killed now and again, send a picture of me and Alluka from wherever we end up, or maybe I’ll just accept that what we had is over and that you’ve already found a way to move on from me.  
  
Someone somewhere said all good things end, but somehow, you made me think it was a lie.


End file.
